Today we are going to focus on asking great questions to help us survive.
The TV show “Survivor” has now completed 26 seasons. That is a lot of surviving those angry, backbiting, money-hungry, starving people have done. I personally lost interest once I discovered that the show is more about surviving relationships rather than actual survival.
Being in close relationships takes a lot of effort and it is even harder when we are stressed physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. In my work at Project Patch, I see the wreckage of broken relationships. Surviving relationships isn’t easy especially when there are internal and external forces that both attack.
It makes sense that survival is the main section of Ken Coleman’s book, “One Question: Life-Changing Answers from Today’s Leading Voices
.” If you believe in scripture then you also understand that there is a roaring lion (Devil) out there prowling, looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). I don’t say this to terrify you, only to remind you that we don’t live in a tame world, instead, we live in one in which we need to focus on surviving.
So, how does asking great questions help us survive? Relationships aren’t physically visible. I don’t have a way to know what a person is thinking unless I ask him. Asking will only give me good information if I ask decent questions. I can guess based on body language – stuff being thrown, tears, or avoidance – but those things don’t reveal thoughts and aspirations and many times come after the relationship has suffered a blow. Asking great questions gives us a glimpse into another person’s perspective and thoughts. Asking great questions allows us to get the feedback we need, especially in times of change, conflict, or stress to make sure that our relationship isn’t going to be a casualty.
Now I’m not advocating that we become insecure in our relationships and pester those we love with, “Are we okay?” This kind of insecurity will actually drive people away and isn’t a great question. However, just like a car that has some key areas to watch on the instrument panel, there are key areas in our relationships that we should be getting feedback on, and we can only do that through asking great questions. Sure, some of us guys like the idea of quiet meaning there is no problem, but in reality, we don’t create problems by asking, we get a chance to be a part of helping when we ask.
Ken identifies the core reason that we don’t ask great questions about our relationships: We just don’t want to know. Knowing may mean that we need to make some changes. Asking requires great courage to face what the person may tell you. Ken says, “I would take clarity over comfort every day of the week.” That is easier said than done but I’ve come to the point that I agree that I’d rather know and be able to change rather than go on doing things that hurt my family, friends, and team.
Ken goes on to say, “In today’s culture we as parents are so concerned about making our kids feel good, instead of teaching our kids to be good.” Because it isn’t fun to deal with reality especially when it might sting personally, we tend to avoid the very thing that will make us better. In personally demonstrating the ability to process incoming information which may be difficult, we also establish a pattern for our kids focused on “being good rather than feeling good.”
I encourage you to consider a few of the following questions with your spouse. It will take some bravery and if you are going through some stress or trust issues, you may need to dial things back a bit before she feels safe enough to give an honest answer.
- Am I doing anything right now that would cause you to pull away from me?
- What reactions have you seen from me that surprise or concern you?
- Where will we be in our relationship in five years?
- What habits have you seen developing in me that concern you?
- What things do you think could ruin our relationship?
- What do you think would be warning signs that we are growing apart?
I also encourage you to ask great questions of your kids in an age-appropriate manner. Hopefully, one or two below will help you.
- What things do you think our family needs to be doing more of?
- What do you like about the way I treat Mom/Dad?
- What would you like me to do differently in how I treat Mom/Dad?
- Is there anything about our family that makes you feel scared?
- What do your friends’ families do that you wish ours did?
These are just some examples to get you thinking about your own questions. The key is to ask and listen without trying to explain or defend yourself. It takes courage.
Posted: June 18, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
Asking Great Questions (Pt 3)
Today we are going to focus on asking great questions to help us survive.
The TV show “Survivor” has now completed 26 seasons. That is a lot of surviving those angry, backbiting, money-hungry, starving people have done. I personally lost interest once I discovered that the show is more about surviving relationships rather than actual survival.
Being in close relationships takes a lot of effort and it is even harder when we are stressed physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. In my work at Project Patch, I see the wreckage of broken relationships. Surviving relationships isn’t easy especially when there are internal and external forces that both attack.
It makes sense that survival is the main section of Ken Coleman’s book, “One Question: Life-Changing Answers from Today’s Leading Voices
.” If you believe in scripture then you also understand that there is a roaring lion (Devil) out there prowling, looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). I don’t say this to terrify you, only to remind you that we don’t live in a tame world, instead, we live in one in which we need to focus on surviving.
So, how does asking great questions help us survive? Relationships aren’t physically visible. I don’t have a way to know what a person is thinking unless I ask him. Asking will only give me good information if I ask decent questions. I can guess based on body language – stuff being thrown, tears, or avoidance – but those things don’t reveal thoughts and aspirations and many times come after the relationship has suffered a blow. Asking great questions gives us a glimpse into another person’s perspective and thoughts. Asking great questions allows us to get the feedback we need, especially in times of change, conflict, or stress to make sure that our relationship isn’t going to be a casualty.
Now I’m not advocating that we become insecure in our relationships and pester those we love with, “Are we okay?” This kind of insecurity will actually drive people away and isn’t a great question. However, just like a car that has some key areas to watch on the instrument panel, there are key areas in our relationships that we should be getting feedback on, and we can only do that through asking great questions. Sure, some of us guys like the idea of quiet meaning there is no problem, but in reality, we don’t create problems by asking, we get a chance to be a part of helping when we ask.
Ken identifies the core reason that we don’t ask great questions about our relationships: We just don’t want to know. Knowing may mean that we need to make some changes. Asking requires great courage to face what the person may tell you. Ken says, “I would take clarity over comfort every day of the week.” That is easier said than done but I’ve come to the point that I agree that I’d rather know and be able to change rather than go on doing things that hurt my family, friends, and team.
Ken goes on to say, “In today’s culture we as parents are so concerned about making our kids feel good, instead of teaching our kids to be good.” Because it isn’t fun to deal with reality especially when it might sting personally, we tend to avoid the very thing that will make us better. In personally demonstrating the ability to process incoming information which may be difficult, we also establish a pattern for our kids focused on “being good rather than feeling good.”
I encourage you to consider a few of the following questions with your spouse. It will take some bravery and if you are going through some stress or trust issues, you may need to dial things back a bit before she feels safe enough to give an honest answer.
I also encourage you to ask great questions of your kids in an age-appropriate manner. Hopefully, one or two below will help you.
These are just some examples to get you thinking about your own questions. The key is to ask and listen without trying to explain or defend yourself. It takes courage.
Posted: June 11, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
Asking Great Questions (Pt 2)
Continuing our series on asking great questions, today we focus on asking questions that will increase our success. What does success look like in the home?
We’ve had kids at our youth program that come from homes that looked perfect. Things were clean, the kids were polite and well-mannered, and grades were excellent. They attended church and participated with a level of poise and maturity others admired. However, the hearts and spirit of the children were crushed by a domineering father and a fearful mother. In this case, they had all the appearance of success but the children were hopeless and wanted to die.
As a parent, we know that success depends on being able to balance things like flexibility and resolve that comes with conviction. We want creative kids but we also want kids who can spell correctly (in my case I lean toward creative spelling). So success really isn’t so much about mastery, but more about appropriately engaging with life’s demands and relationships.
Identifying and pursuing success as a parent and family are difficult and that is precisely why we need to ask great questions rather than fixate on being the expert and providing answers.
Imagine going to a restaurant and never being asked what you want to eat. Instead, the knowledgeable waiter guesses what you’d like and brings you food. This could be great for indecisive people who happen to enjoy the same food as the waiter, but most likely you’d get a meal that doesn’t quite meet your needs.
In a similar way, as a parent, we assume we are on the same page as our spouse and kids and so we end up making decisions for their own good rather than taking the time to ask. While we might make good decisions, we won’t be making great decisions – the kind that truly satisfies.
I’d suggest sitting down with your spouse and using several of the following questions to get you focused on understanding success. Don’t be stuck with this list but spend time not only asking questions but following up the questions with others to make sure you understand not only the rational side but the emotional side as well.
One important warning. Many people miss out on having significant conversations because they think it requires a “magical” time without distractions and other stress. Yes, we are fried at times as parents but even a few minutes are enough to ask a simple question. If you are at the park and your kids are playing, why not spend that time in thoughtful conversation. It may seem uncomfortable but just leap in and ask a great question.
I also encourage you to ask your kids in an age appropriate way so you can understand what they consider family and parent success. Ask a question or two during a meal, while driving together in the car, or after worship. It doesn’t take long but making it normal to ask questions and learn during regular life is a really important thing for them to learn.
Here are a few questions that may help you get going:
There are so many great questions out there but don’t get stuck on asking the perfect question; instead get used to asking questions, listening to words, body language, silence, and doing your best to let them know you are interested. Ask for clarity, don’t be overly serious, and realize that it will take some time for your child to feel comfortable with this process.
In the next blog entry, we are going to look at asking great questions to help your family survive. It is about identifying threats and where we are off-course. Yet it is hard to know you are off course until you take the time to really do this first step of identifying success.
Question: What are some great questions that you’ve asked or been asked that helped you focus on success?
Posted: June 6, 2013 by Chuck Hagele
Asking Great Questions (Pt 1)
According to Ken Coleman, “there is power in a good question.” *
I recently heard an interview of Ken Coleman, author of the book, “One Question: Life-Changing Answers from Today’s Leading Voices.” Ken knows the power of a good question and has interviewed a diverse group of people including former President Jimmy Carter, Tony Dunge, Tony Hawk, Senator John McCain, Tim Tebow, Jim Collins, and a host of other people I wish I could meet.
People like to be interviewed by Ken because he asks great questions. The conversation is animated and people leave the interview better informed and feeling heard.
Ken shared a study from the University of Michigan that found the average person at the eighth-grade level is only asking about 2-3 questions a day. My girls are five right now and I think they hit about 2-3 questions per sentence. By the time we finish breakfast, we are breaking 100 questions. It just never ends and the questions are all over the map. Last week we had a whole series of questions based on the dead raccoon we saw on the road on the way to church. My favorite, “Would the raccoon die more if it got run over again?”
I love these questions and I feel sad when I consider they may be extinct in a few short years. Ken theorizes that one of the reasons that curiosity is quenched is that our education system focuses on teaching kids to answer questions, how to test well rather than ask questions. I agree that the school system, work, and life in general value answers over questions, but I think there is a responsibility not only with schools but also with parents. Questions can be annoying, challenging, and difficult. There are times that we just want quiet and peace and don’t want to be dealing with hard questions.
There is power in a great question. Ken says, “Good questions inform but great questions transform. When you ask a great question that unlocks life’s big answers, then you change the way you think and believe and when you change the way you think and believe then you change the way you act.”
What would happen if we asked more great questions at home? How could our kids’ lives be impacted if we model and teach them how to ask great questions?
Over the next few blog entries, we are going to talk about several key areas to question. Great questions aren’t easy. If you are like me, you are in the habit of trying to give great answers rather than ask great questions.
Ken divided his book into three sections and just to make my life easier I’m using the same sections:
My hope is that we emerge from this series with more questions and more clarity.
So I’ll leave you with something to think about: Who do you know that seems to ask great questions, how has talking with them helped you, and what have you learned from them?
*Unless otherwise specified, all quotes are from the EntreLeadership Podcast titled, “The Art of Asking”