There comes a point when the emotional tools we have no longer get the job done. Working with at-risk teens we often see kids who survive trauma using coping mechanisms but as they get older, these same things that helped them survive start to turn against them. Kids in alcoholic homes many times learn ways to avoid chaos through lying, manipulation or escapism. These work for a while but become ingrained habbits that used even after the threat is gone. The self-protection now hurts rather than helps.
When I became a parent I needed new tools, not just to survive with less sleep but also to process increasingly emotional situations. Adding more kids into the family required me to become better at conflict management. All the while, I’ve grown in responsibility at work which requires more from me.
What I’ve seen personally and in the work we do at Project Patch is that emotional maturity is one of the most important and difficult tasks in life. It also is one of the most undervalued and misunderstood.
I’ve known my guest for this episode of the podcast for many years. Marc Schelske and I worked together at summer camp, attended several years of college together and were colleagues when I pastored. Marc made a strong impression on me as someone who is very passionate about Jesus, music, and people. I’d lost connection with Marc until about four years ago when we met for lunch. Marc shared some projects he was working on including a book. He kept working and on September 1, 2017 you can hold a book which captures this significant journey.
A bit of formal introduction, Marc is a writer, speaker, hobbyist theologian, recovering fundamentalist, tea drinker and motorcycle rider. He is a husband and dad to two kids. He is the teaching elder at Bridge City Community Church in Milwaukie (Portland) Oregon.
His book, “The Wisdom of Your Heart” is coming out September 1, 2017. He sent me a free pre-release copy and I was absolutely hooked from page one to the end. I’ve been on a personal journey about emotion and this book has taken me to a whole new level.
During this episode, we discuss the following topics:
Marc shares about how he ended up in a place in which his emotional tools were no longer sufficient for obstacles he was facing – 2:00
We talk about how we outgrow tools that once served us. The idea of how as more is demanded of us, without emotional maturity we end up in place of desperation and separation. – 3:23
How we can be devoted, hard working, well intentioned yet still harm – 5:35
Marc shares some of the blocks that kept him from originally gaining emotional understanding. – 9:28
- Fear that emotions could sway right thinking
- Fear that emotions could sway commitments
- Trauma – situations that are out of our control can cause us to become more controlling to prevent pain from happening
- Emotions feel out of control
- The message that the more spiritually mature you are, the more rational and reasonable you become
- Emotions aren’t safe or trustworthy so we need to escape from them
Marc shares his thoughts on the rise of depression and anxiety as well as people pleasing and perfectionism – 16:33
March teaches on emotion of fear 19:56
March shares the need for us to teach kids about emotions – 19:56
Truthful conversations about emotions don’t happen because parents really want their kids to be happy and kids really want their parents to be pleased with them – 22:58
How Marc came to understand that emotions are a legitimate signal and response that we have in order to serve us- 25:18
- Emotions give us a piece of important information
- Emotions provide motivation to make a change
Marc explores emotions in the context of Christian teaching – 27:42
How Marc’s personal maturity in emotions has impacted how he parents 35:13
Overview of how Marc teaches about emotions with the key concept of push and pull – 42:23
Marc helps me understand tension around concept of intuition 46:22
Introduction of the tools in the book 51:39
Closing thoughts on how the heart of emotional growth is seen in our interaction with our kids – 56:29
Purchase book – Amazon, Barnes and Noble online, Christian Book Distributors, local books stores (Where fine books are sold!)
Learn more abou thte book and how to purchase at: www.thewisdomeofyourheart.com
7 Videos on key themes of the book – Marc Allan Schelske facebook page
Pre-order before September 1 and you get some free resources – You have less than a day to order and click here.
Family Experience weekends – Mention that you are a listener of this podcast when you register to receive 10% your families fees.
- September 14-17
- October 19-22
Refresh Conference Chicago – a weekend devoted to supporting adoptive and foster parents. I’ll be there teaching on the impact of sibling relationships as well as a session on when to know when your child needs an out of home placement. Learn more at www.refreshchicago.net